i wish you would listen.

i honestly don't know.

i wanna be your execution.

nothing to write. i'm forgetting something. somewhere. i know it.

maybe this was supposed to happen. maybe... maybe. maybe. maybe. it's such a stupid word. it means nothing at all. just eclipsing the possibilities of what if. it makes no sense. and it's another thing that raises our hopes and lets it down with the passing seconds as time ticks away, allowing that word, maybe, to become stronger. until we believe it. and then, oh, and then, we're all too far gone.

"Years ago, I met my lover, on the banks of the stormy Jordan. Years ago, I met my lover, oh, how i wish, that we could meet again."

"I still believe that change can happen, though it's hard, it'll happen slowly. I still believe forgiveness comes with love, and God still watches over me."

the sun sets down on my heart, and my soul is shrouded in darkness.

i'm so lost. nothing. is helping me. nothing. at all. i don't want to feel like this. anymore. i need, something new, a change, something to drastically alter my life.

i wish i wasn't so alone.

"Alone we stay, and together we fall apart. i think i'll be alright. i'm working so i won't have to try, so hard."

i don't think i ever stopped.

i don't know what to say. i think i'm too caught up with things. i need to step back. because.. well. this isn't working.. this is definitely not working. i'm letting my emotions get ahold of me. and that's never good for me. never has been. i don't know what to do. i'm so confused. i wish this wasn't so hard. i'm not sure of anything.. anymore.

i think, it's always been there, subtly, thinking that one day, you'll get to see it. but, i'm no fool to broken words. i know what you said, and that it probably won't happen. i guess i had always been thinking that it would, ya know? i guess it'll be okay, now. i guess, i'll be fine, later.

oh, how love creates so much pain.

But now, he lives inside someone he does not recognize, when he catches his reflection on accident.

you know what's funny? i have learned not to get so excited when 'miracles' might happen, because i've realized not to get too surprised when someone lets me down.

and sets me down in your warm arms.

you know, i honestly don't know what i thought. but.. it wasn't this. oh no. it wasn't this. it's pretty sad.

i think i've had enough of women for now. for a long time.

yeah. i need someone special. but it's not going to happen.

you'll always be mine.

i'm ready to start anew,
ready to leave behind,
all we've been through,
open this door, and let me fly,
let me love you, as i say good bye,
these times won't be ours again,
i'll tear, as i set myself up for them,
i'll cry, for that love, you gave me,
as i took it, grateful, of the times you've saved me,
and i'll look at you, with endearing eyes,
as the world moves on and passes us by,
two lovers, caught in time,
just two lovers, dancing to this silly rhyme,
as i take a step back, the tears flow,
i can't bear with parting,
as i let you go.

the time is so close, it's slipping away
all the things, i could never say,
flood me over, as i listen to you pray,
a million things and one, as i think about today,
how i wish, you were here to stay,
as i think about a life without you, gone astray.

and i wish now, our time was long,
as our time grows short, all the things i've meant to say,
just come out in an unexpected way.
and feelings like this, only come in two,
and feelings like this, only come in few,
and as i see you slowly slip away to,
i can only choke out three words,
"i love you"

But I knew that you were a truth I would rather lose, than to have never lain beside at all.

because i can't control what's going on. i wish i could make this world happy. i wish, i could make people satisfied. but, how can i make everyone satisfied, if i, myself, aren't. the problem with giving everyone what they want, is not everyone is going to get exactly what they want. not at all. i wish, i could make people happy. that in some way, i make them feel better, in some way shape or form. i want happiness. people, walk around as if they're waiting to let things go past them, and let things go on without them. how depressing is that?

to the people who have given up, please. don't. there's so much more to this life, a life full of inspiration, of love, of romance. there's a life ahead of you, don't let things throw you down. go out, do something. get out. hang out. don't die. be happy. your life is waiting for you. your lover is waiting for you. things, aren't as complicated as they may seem, now. things are simple. if they're not, now, then they will be. go out, find someone, who loves you for you.

i know, i'm not an inspiring person. but, that's what i've always wanted my writing to do, inspire. inspire men and women alike, to go out, and be more than i could ever be. i want people to go out, take that boy or girl they want, swing her into your arms, and kiss them, for the sake of you doing what you've always wanted. in this life, of complications, such small actions, truly mean a lot, in the long run. they speak to you, motivate, build confidence. i want to, be able to speak to people, through my poems, through my writings, through my feelings. because, if people shared the same view i had, things would be better. i want people to know how i feel, and how badly i want them to go out and do things i would never do. just do it. don't think. just do it.

live life to the fullest, and never let it go.

you'll never be alone, again.

Imagine a field. It's cold. The wind is bitter. It's around November, December, time. The sun is out. You go, walk around, enjoy the sun, in the semi bitter cold climate. Now, imagine a field of grass, next to a tall, black, lone building. Stuck there in the middle of nowhere. The building is filled with business, corporate people. The sun starts to set, you go next to the building, you go back out.

There's just... something about this, landscape. That's filling me with hope, that's making want to see it, someday. I'm starting to wonder whether it's symbolic, of something. I have no clue. but, I know, for sure, I would definitely want to go there, someday.

And in answer to your question, yes, I did have some sort of epiphany. I did. And I can't believe I almost gave that up, for some stupid shit someone told me.

"I don't know. Maybe because I'm sick and tired of being alone. I don't know. Maybe it's another thing I can't have."

Yeah, I am sick and tired of being alone. I really am. I don't know, what I'm looking for, but I don't want to be alone anymore.

no ceilings.

i know how long this is going to take. and i know how badly i want this. i have realized how different we are, and how much i don't care. at this point, i'm willing to try everything. like i said, i'm starting a project. and i'll only be finished when i'm satisfied, happy, or not. i'm not letting go of myself. i'm finding myself. who i am, who i want to be, and who i should be. i'm going far with this one.

there are just some things you can't explain. maybe you shouldn't try to.

knocks you down.

everything. is upside down. i'm not who i was, nothing is happening how i want it to. everything is moving too fast. i'm standing here, with nothing done, staring as it all passes me by, and can't do anything about it.

my love for you will never die.

and as i cry myself to sleep at night,
i'll keep telling myself that it's alright,
keep these memories of you and i, held tight,
even as i watched you,
murder yourself in a twisted light.
and i'll keep putting on this fight,
as if everything i knew, hadn't died,
as if, i wasn't forced to watch this sight,
reach my eyes, and keep me tied,
as i looked down at the ground and cried,
took a look at myself and realized,
no more tears, from these eyes,
i'll keep these fears, locked inside,
and one day i'll let 'em out, and let them fly,
and bring light to your suicide,
and i'll cry until the night brings daylight,
when it takes me by the hand,
and i'll know when to open my eyes,
look out the window, as i learn to fly.

no one.

No one will ever understand, who i am, or what i am going through.

NO ONE.

As the day grows dim, I hear you sing a golden hymn, the song I've been trying to sing.

a lot.

looking back on things. looking back on my times in school, since i was little. i guess it was surprising to realize, that so many of the people i remember, remember me too. i was getting off the bus, and i see a bunch of ghetto kids. and all of a sudden, one of them calls out my name, and asks how i'm doing. and i'm surprised, because i remembered him, from elementary school, but, i didn't think he remembered me. i guess, i can say, i'm not important, but not inconspicuous enough to not be remembered.

for some reason, i'm not as angry or depressed about things anymore. it's funny, i couldn't care less about anyone. it really doesn't affect me.

sometimes i wish i was more noticed by other people. i guess, i'm okay with it. i can tell you right now, that i never thought i'd end up to where i am today. i look back on what i could have done to myself, and what would have happened to me, that i'm happy i came here. i'm happy where i am.

i love sunsets, i love them. they make me so happy. because of the night, the opportunity that it presents, and the memories that it awaits. for something to excite me. i am constantly looking at landscapes. thinking. today, i was invited to a restaurant overlooking manhattan. and i'm sure, it would have been beautiful. it got me thinking about things. why i like these perfect things. i want to make things perfect. sunsets, on cities, on fields of grass. i like seeing the beauty in things. i like seeing the beauty in everyday things. in normal things, exposed in a different light. it's very enlightening.

just another person seeking his own.

i really don't want to go back. i really wouldn't mind going back, if, school wasn't in the way. i mean, it's so unfair. i never get a break in chem, and it's just incredibly unfair. i just want to cry. i mean, my grades are just a number, yes, but still, it still isn't fair. what am i going to do? i suppose i could just give it all up. you know what? fuck it. i don't need to worry about it. i don't need it. so, i'm just going to stop worrying, and let go of it. it's not a big deal. it's just a number.

and that, still doesn't solve my problem.. of leaving. what am i goinng to do? i love my family, a lot, i don't want to leave, and leave them all here. it's not fair. and, still.

i know other people are worse off than i am, and it bothers me that the world would be so cruel. i wish, things would change, not because it should, but because it could, and it needs to, and life would be so much easier.

unsatisfied. that's all you ever were.

you ever get one of those feelings?

you're dead. living aimlessly,
void of emotions, void of feelings,
the apathy hass reached you, finally.
satisfied? no, you're never satisfied.
you never will be,
your need for attention will constantly scream,
letting everyone know, what a selfish person you really are.
you won't realize, you look in the mirror,
and you're disgusted by what you see.
you hate who you are, who you pretend to be.
and you can't let yourself out.
we'll eventually drift apart, thinking once in a while,
how close we used to be, then i'll remember, i couldn't care less
when that time comes, and you see me, and you'll say to your self,
"i used to know him. we used to be so close..
what happened to that?"
and i'll look at you, and i won't care,
you're just another stranger walking the streets,
just another selfish person,
feeding their own needs,
just another girl,
thinking of me,
wondering what happened,
looking to me, begging with a plea.
and you'll look at me, bitter,
thinking of my heart of stone
screaming to yourself at night, all the time
'WHY THE FUCK AM I SO ALONE?'

and you'll become alone,
alone in your own zone,
your friends, have all left,
having seen that person,
you've kept,
so long, in deep inside of your soul,
you feign happiness, when, inside,
your attitude is cold,
you take, and you take,
but, enough's never enough,
you tell everyone, that life is rough,
you don't even know, how much i can't stand you,
when you try to be something, that just doesn't agree to,
but there you are, just another attention seeking fool,
just another person, acting like a tool.
i'm finished with you,
gone..
like another person seeking his own.

let me fly, i need a release, from these troubles of mine.

is it all real? am i fooling myself? i don't know.

i sincerely don't want to leave this place. i don't want to go back to school, with it's complications, and it's pettiness. it's all rather, stupid. i don't know what i should do. i can't think of any thing else to motivate me back. i've got approximately 48 hours. oh jesus christ. help me. i don't want to. it's so, boring. i have nothing to look forward to. it's not fair. none of it. i wish, i was given a break. but no, i'm never given a break. it's not fair. i don't know what to do. i guess the only thing i can do, is stick it out. let it all flow.

i'm going to have so much work to catch up on, when i get back. damnit.

i'm so confused as to what to believe in. i'm reading this book about a psychologist, who interviews a woman, who can recall previous lives... is it all true? can it be true? is that what this all is? it certainly makes some sort of sense. i guess, but i don't know. i wonder what i was, in a past life. i want to see.

you know thos epeople, that never have to struggle with anything? and everything in life just comes easy to them? i wish i was one of those people. concepts, are hard for me to understand, and i find it difficult to understand. i guess, we have our strengths. i'm not sure where mine lie.

here's a song, for the kid, who aimed so high, and shot, her down.

well a new year, and so much to talk about.

let's start first with the girl. of which, is the only reason for my joy of coming back. i hope to start something that will last forever in our memories. that will astound even the most critical people. i want it to be all for you.

i don't want to come back. to all the confusion. to the complications. i just want to lead a simple life. this life. i don't want to go back to the hatred, and the not knowing. to the stress, and the restricted-ness. i wish i could live like this forever. but i can't. i must get back to the life i have. i must leave this all behind. i guess i love my family alot. once i get back to normality, it's going to be like i never left. and i hate that. i'd much rather wish, i could have this life. i don't want school to start again. in any way. i want to be free of all the burdens that come with it. sometimes i wish, things came easy to me. and i didn't have to struggle so much. it's not fair. it's not fair. i don't want to come back home. i want to stay here, with my family, and just be here all the time. and never leave. i love this life. i have to leave it. i hate it.

...

oh, the new year, new year's resolution.. mine? to be braver, to do what i want to do. set out to accomplish those things in which i love. in which i am passionate about. not care as much, aboutt grades. just let it slide.which is going to be hard to do.. very hard to do. i want to treat my siblings nicer, get less mad. i don't know, don't let things bother me as much. not get so sad over certain things. i want to be the best i can be, without compromising who i am. or who i want to be. i want to talk to you. get over my fears. stop being so insecure, and jealous.

basically, i want to grow up, this year. most of which, won't happen. it's going to be a hard, but maybe, profitable year.